Towards healing from abuse (1): Learning about self-compassion with massage

To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.

I was reminded of the words by French philosopher, Simone de Beauvoir recently with the tragic death of Karabo Mokoena, allegedly at the hands of her ex-boyfriend.

As a massage student, and for many years after receiving state registration, I volunteered at the Helderberg Crisis Centre where I massaged adults who had been raped or had experienced sexual assault or abuse as children. 

The aim was not only to help clients relax but also to introduce them to positive touch as a component of their healing process but massage also helped them regain confidence in their own bodies and encouraged self-compassion.

How does positive touch such as massage therapy help salvage abused people’s self-confidence and nurture compassion for the self? We will take a closer look at the topic in a future post.

But let's first establish what we mean by self-compassion.

​Karabo’s alleged abusive relationship and murder naturally sparked much debate on social media. 

Most people were shocked and appalled. They expressed sympathy and their fear for the safety of women in this country.

Some tried to figure out why the victims don’t just ‘leave the abuser’ and as always, some took to victim-blaming.

Many, many women told their own horrific stories of abuse, abduction, rape and loss but also of surviving and clinging to life.
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But the tweets that upset me most were the ones where women who have been sexually assaulted, raped and beaten spit out their disgust for their own bodies.

I hate my vagina; I want to pull it from my body.
I hate my body. 
I hate myself.

SELF-LOATHING AND SHAME
I was reminded of the people I massaged at the Helderberg Crisis Centre  and the privilege I had of introducing positive touch to women (and a few men) who had turned their anger into self-loathing in a desperate attempt to channel their negative emotions and shame.

My own observations as well as the feed-back from counsellors, convinced me that massage can play a role in restoring people's appreciation and respect for their own bodies and for who they are.

Experiencing abuse changes people, says psychotherapist Beverly Engel in Psychology Today.

"(N)ot only because they were traumatized, but because they feel a loss of innocence and dignity and they carry forward a heavy burden of shame.”

But we cannot hate our bodies without hating ourselves. We cannot erase our embodied being without erasing our whole being. Abuse victims become so overwhelmed with shame that "that it actually comes to define the person, keeping her from her full potential,” says Beverly Engel .

To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.

DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR
And debilitating shame and self-loathing, Beverly points out, go hand-in-hand with destructive behaviour and is often expressed through bodily abuse:

• Addiction to alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, spending etc.
• Eating disorders e.g. anorexia nervosa, bulimia, obesity
• Self harm or injury e.g. cutting, hitting, burning, scratching and pulling out hair.
• Unhealthy psychological patterns e.g. forming abusive relationships or being the abuser in the relationship, promiscuity.  
• Unhealthy physical habits e.g. bad eating patterns, not taking exercise, not sleeping.

​In the long run these habits not only sustain but exacerbate the physical and psychological damage done by the trauma of abuse itself.

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​ THE ANTIDOTE IS SELF-COMPASSION
The antidote to self-hate says Stacey Freedenthal is self-compassion and because, according to Jane Simon in Huffington Post, the body is our most valuable possession, we have a responsibility to uncover the sources for self-contempt in order to replace it with compassion and acceptance.

“We reap the rewards of good health when we replace hatred with compassion and treat the body as our most important asset.”

Jane uses the mnemonic DESERVE to remind us of the benefits of being compassionate towards ourselves as embodied beings and treating our bodies with respect.

• D =Delight
• E=Energy
• S=Service-a healthy body serves us well
• R=Reserve with energy and ability to enjoy
• V=Verve enthusiasm, and vigour
• E=Enthusiasm, enjoyment, joy in movement

But self-compassion for most of us is a difficult concept to grasp. We can be so critical of our bodies, our circumstances and our lives.

How much more difficult must it be for someone who has been abused?

​ WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION & WHAT IS IT NOT?
Kristin Neff, from the University of Texas explains what self-compassion is by identifying what it is not:

1. Self-compassion is not self-pity 
It is not immersing yourself in your own problems and emotional drama causing you to be isolated from others.

​Self-compassion, by contrast takes the perspective of a compassionate other towards oneself and gives us mental space to recognise a broader human context and to see that we are not alone in our suffering.
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2. Self-compassion is not self-indulgence 
Allowing yourself anything and everything (e.g. taking drugs, alcohol, food, sex, sleep) to make up for what had happened is like spoiling a child. It is brings instant gratification  but is harmful.

Instead, “being compassionate to oneself means that you want to be happy and healthy in the long term.” 

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Giving yourself health and lasting happiness often involves a certain amount of displeasure (such as quitting smoking, dieting, exercising).  But it is no use trying to shame oneself into making these changes. In contrast, the care intrinsic to compassion provides a powerful motivating force for growth and change, while also providing the safety needed to see the self clearly without fear of self-condemnation. - Kristen Neff
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​3. Self-compassion is not self-esteem
Self-esteem refers to our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves.

But self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. People feel compassion for themselves because all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess some particular set of traits (pretty, smart, talented, and so on).

The research on self-compassion quoted by Beverly Engel indicate that greater self-compassion is linked to less psychopathology and it:  

• has a positive effect on depression, anxiety, and stress 
• appears to facilitate resilience by moderating people’s reactions to negative events, trauma in particular.
• provides emotional resilience because it deactivates the body's threat system.
• helps people cope better with upsetting events. 
• helps people diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• is the missing key to alleviating shame and self-judgement, feelings of inferiority
• decreases in anxiety, shame, and guilt and increases in the willingness to express sadness, anger, and closeness were associated with higher levels of self-compassion

Beverly states that in light of her research, she determined that in addition to offering her clients compassion for their suffering, she needed to teach them how to practice self-compassion on an ongoing basis in order to heal the many layers of shame they experienced.

And that is exactly how I viewed my work at the crisis centre.

My task was to, through body work encourage people to get to know and like their own bodies and in the process work towards integration and healing.

In the next post I will explain how positive touch and massage physiologically and psychologically encourages self-compassion.

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